I remember when i was young and mom and i were in this fight and i screamed at her “i wish you would stop loving me” and she just said that she couldnt and some day i would understand……….
i never did until now.
once when a parent friend of mine was having trouble with her kid i told her to walk away and let him live his life
she said she couldnt because she loved him so much
i told her to stop and she said she couldnt and some day i would understand
i never did until now.
once after a friend of mine passed away i was speaking with his mother
it was a sad attempt to console her
i was saying what everyone says in that moment
things like “it will all be okay”
she said it would never be okay
she told me that someday i would understand how much love one could have for another
i never did until now.
i never understood when someone said “i would die for you”
i never understood when someone said “my life would not exist without you”
i never understood when someone said “i’ll love you until the day i die”
or atliest i didnt until now.
What i now do not understand is how someone could walk out on their child, ignore their mother, forget their father, and live without their soul mate.
hug someone……before its to late.
For so long Jill has watched Jack stand on his hill.
So many times she has climbed it to stand next to him
only to be pushed back down by his judgmental gaze.
His eyes held the poison she has for so long run from.
She believed her rightful place was to be at his side.
If only she had known how wrong she was
That knowledge could have saved her.
Instead she continued the fight; a losing battle it was doomed to be.
She fought until nothing was left.
The good moments did not out weigh the bad.
She slipped into something she did not recognize and became something she despised.
Holding his hand had always been what felt right and became what hurt the most.
How could she feel her failures like a knife in the back?
How could he be the one to plant the seed that destroyed her?
He who she trusted.
He who she had loved.
He who had saved her.
Did he build her up so she would fall further?
The purpose of the beginning is no longer clear
and in the end she no longer mattered
She had waited for a reason to live and only found a longer end.
Its been two years since we’ve spoken and needless to say you have missed so much.
Some of it I am glad you have missed while others I’d give anything to be able to speak with you about.
You have always known what to say and how to say it.
You never judged me or even said things that you may regret later.
No matter what the mistake was I knew could go to you for unbiased help.
I miss you sooooo much.
I wish I could show you all of this instead of writing to you like this;
it would be so much easier.
You have always meant the world to me and it can easily be seen how much wisdom you brought to our lives because without you we are falling apart.
It is now clearer than ever that you were way more than just a husband, father, grandpa, and friend.
Everything seems harder without you to lead us.
I fear that you may have been the only thing keeping us together.
Where to start.
Mom has been through a lot!
She has breast cancer.
But don’t worry because she is going to be fine.
She never forgot about Grandma though.
She did the chemo and it hurt to see her in so much pain
she couldn’t even pick Emma up because of the port they put in her chest and because Emma weighs more than five pounds.
Grandma has handled it better than I have.
You would be so proud of her!
After Mom had the mastectomy she had these drains put in and they had to be emptied and measured and sometimes Kimmy had to do it!
And it was painful for Mom to go through so how do you think Kimmy felt while causing Mom pain?
She is only 10!
Then Mom went through the radiation and it made her skin hurt really bad and feel like she was on fire all the time.
All while going through this she still home schooled all the kids and
Found time to see Grandma at least four times a week and sit with her in the swing while they drank their juice and coffee!
Oh and she still made it to Florida for the full two weeks.
Grandma loved it!
We put puzzles together, took walks on the beach, and went shopping.
Grandma told stories of when you two took the trip and all the fun stuff you two would do and places you would eat.
She misses you so much.
Grandma is still living in the house and refuses to move
she is so stubborn
don’t worry Kell has moved in with her and has been a huge help through all of this
Kell makes comments all the time about how its Grandma that takes care of her
not the other way around.
Grandma misses you but she is fine.
Now for the part I’m a little hesitant to tell you about.
in a few weeks I’m going to be a mother
and no I am not married.
It has been said that if you were here you would disown me but I refuse to believe that you would be capable of that.
You never personally judged people.
I know you would not approve of the life I am living but I also know you would listen and help me rather than ignore me.
You would have sat down and helped me through this.
You would never have made me feel the way I have in the past couple months
I miss you so much!
Each day I expect things to be easier and they seem to just get harder; yet somehow when I feel like I cant do it I just remember how much you went through and how you remained so strong and
how you never lost faith.
I’d give anything for ten minutes of face to face time with you right now!
I need to hear you so bad!
I want to sit on your lap and hear you call me “Jennabeck”
while eating Grandmas banana pudding.
You were never selfish.
It seems so hard to not be selfish in today’s world.
So many people have forgot all of what you stood for.
I fear I may be one of them.
Do not be sad as you read this.
I am sure we will be fine.
It just takes time to get over these mountains
when we do make it through the first thing I’ll do is hug you and say I’m sorry because I never meant to let you or anyone down.
Well I need to go for now.
I’ll write again soon.
Miss you sooo much!
Love ,
Jen
I feel like so much has happened and i cant figure how to write anymore.
i’m not depressed and yet still feel lost and confused.
i wish i could fix all of these mistakes without changing anything.
i miss you, i really do but i cannot understand how you have sold me so many lies or why you would even want to.
i have stood by you from the beginning and have loved you no matter what and now i feel as tho its been a friendship based on what you thought i would believe and could handle that was not to bad that it might make me walk away.
things are changing and we are being forced to face stuff that only happened to other people and not to us.
grow up and deal. i am.
this is not how i pictured these past few years going but i wouldnt give up any of it.
you are my best friend and i believe without alcohol you would forever be that.
……………………………………….
I Love you and will never stop, nor would i want to.
this is not the worst thing that has happened.
when my grandpa left it was way worse.
this is my chance at life and i am excited to conquer this with you.
please understand that i am scared but am not sorry.
i am ready to meet her.
i am way ready to spend my life surrounded by my family. all of them.
you give me everything i thought i would never have.
you made me see the good when before i only found the bad.
i want to be with you, marry you, grow old with you, and die with you.
you are my better half and way more than just my boyfriend.
……………………………………………………..
I wish i could take this away.
make it where you never doubted how beautiful you are.
i’m glad you have remained strong through all of this and have remained our replacement rock.
grandpa believed in you and so do i.
he knew what he was doing when he chose you.
he knew you would do what was right even if it almost killed you.
i believe you have done a fantastic job and he is proud.
i love you and am sorry if some days you feel as if it is to much…….i will forever be amazed at how much you have been put through these last few years and still find time to run one of the kids to a bday party.
on your way home from chemo you find the strength to stop in and have lunch with your mother.
they will understand later, they are young and naive now but pray and give them time everyone handles fear and pain differently.
just believe that those who matter can see or will see how much you have given up to make this easiest on everyone.
we may not be helping as much as we should but really do appreciate all you have done and continue to do.
i love you and will forever think of you as my best friend who just happened to be my mother.
………………………………………………………..
Thump, thump, thump…………………..
That’s the sound of my brain hitting my skull………
Keep climbing these obstacles…..but do not expect that once you have conquered this one another will not be waiting to takes its place, most likely bigger and longer than the ones of your past.
When does it become life and ceases to be an obstacle…how many does it take before its considered part of the reality you wake to when your drug induced coma has ended?
When does it stop making me wish to remain in that coma?
When does all this hard work pay off? Does it?
Is heaven the reward? I am by no means knocking it………….but will this fight only pay off when my time on this earth is done? No relief before?
I grab for the places in which the pain gets to bad to ignore…..but I’ve only got two hands and the places rise to more than I can stand.
How do I continue with this?
Climb out of this bed and pretend today is not worse than yesterday?
Its mentally draining to make my face betray the way I’m feeling day after day……….smile and go on
Forever sleeping sounds good to me.
I’m losing the strength to get out of this bed………. I lost the desire awhile back.
I want you near and so far away.
Nothing is working………………..crying is painful and frankly I’m tired of it.
Actually, frankly…………I’m tired of all of this.
